The Introductions.

Tonight, I introduced my boyfriend of about a month to my parents. Some people get nervous about introducing their boyfriends or girlfriends to their parents. I am not that kind of person. My parents are chill as hell. I've managed to set their expectations for my boyfriends so low that really basic things make them happy beyond belief. Basically, as long as a guy is a normal, functioning human, my parents will like him just fine. This one showed up with flowers for me and shook my parents' hands when he met them. Passed with flying colors.

The part I was nervous about was the bit right after that: Friendsgiving. For the past few years, the day after Thanksgiving has been devoted to Friendsgiving, for which all of my friends gather to consume horrendous amounts of junk food and catch up. This year, the Boy came with, which meant he got the privilege of meeting all of my friends at once.

And I had reason to worry. Almost immediately, one of my friends cornered him, decided he was a bro, and informed him of this for the next ten or so minutes. My best friend attached herself to my back and proceeded to lick me, against my will, as I squirmed, yelped, and protested. Someone shoved a roll down the front of my shirt. The hostess tried to slap his ass. There were bacon-cocktail weiner-meatball-Dorito sandwiches. A good hour was spent discussing my chest (the gag boobs of the group, commonly described as "communal"), which got grabbed, squeezed, and fondled. Dinosaur noises were made. We acted like retarded kindergarteners who had been force fed sugar and caffeine all day.

But, see, I always forget that we act that way until I'm introducing someone new to the group. Ordinarily, the weird, ass-slapping dino orgy that is my life doesn't even faze me. But then I bring someone new into the group, and I instantly start to worry. What if he thinks I'm crazy? What if he thinks I'm a skank? What if he hears me make a weird dino noise when someone tickles me and decides "Shit, my girlfriend is actually a dinosaur and I don't like dinosaurs, so I'm totally out of here"? It would be easy to think my friends and I were just a bunch of strange, immature freaks and discard the whole group.

My boyfriend made a pterodactyl noise in my ear, licked my cheek, and laughed his ass off.

Score.